Human beings are a peculiar lot….some think they know everything, some believe they are learning continuously. The people who belong to the latter group are the ones who are in most danger of living in a delusionary world….a world where you feel though you are learning you have already learnt more than what you need to know…that is the greatest ignorance in fact. They are even more egoistic than the former group. Why? Because the former think they know better than anybody else and try to bull-doze their way while the latter know they are better then this set of know-alls so their ego is even supersized.
I think I belonged to the latter category.
Pretending….pretending to be someone you are not, craving for people’s attention and approval until you are no longer true to yourself, deluding yourself that you are so much more special and different than others, parading yourself until you are actually making a fool of yourself without realizing it.
I used to be this shy, little book worm….living in my own little world. I grew up to be a studious student but extremely shy and self conscious.
With passage of time I started opening up and after I joined my first job as a journalist I made friends, met interesting people, started to travel, mingle more with society.
Then I started being more confident, outgoing and talkative. Exposure to the outside world and official trips outside the country. Independence and financial security. Appreciation and favourable criticism from various quarters. Then the changes started……
I don’t know how it happened….it started slowly, subtly…..I don’t know how I could change so much…I never realized it until recently….When I look back I see it all now….the attitude- all those “witty” wisecracks intended to impress, the over smart remarks and rejoinders in un-necessary situations, the strutting and posing, the “care-a-damn” stance, the slangs and cuss words ( although used covertly), ridiculing others, cracking mean jokes about people just to get a cheap kick, the sly glances and sarcastic smirks especially while observing others, bad mannered chuckling in company…………
I never knew how bad the situation had really become…..I thought I was being admired when all I was doing was making an ass of myself. Artificiality, superfluosness, showing off, acting, superiority complex….hell, what had I become?
When did I lose touch with myself? My inner self?
When did this descent into delusionary madness begin?
The ego, the condescension, the spiritual pride, the vanity?
I don’t know, even as I write this whether I am really free of the grip of these vices now, but I am glad that I have made this realization. It does not pay to pretend, it does not pay to be someone you are not.
If people like you for what you are it is good. It is great if people appreciate the real you, if they are impressed with YOU, the real YOU.
If they are not, it does no good to pretend. You can take constructive steps to improve on your shortcomings, you can develop yourself in the best possible ways but that is all you can strive to do. That will improve you and maybe you may even earn appreciation but that is it.
Donning another persona just to impress people is equivalent to being a hypocrite.
And at the end a hypocrite never ever wins.
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