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Thursday, July 14, 2011


A void lurks before me
I enter the pitch black darkness
So thick you could slice it with a knife
I feel myself and I cannot
I am lost
Seamlessly submerged into the surroundings
I cry out but my voice fails me
My subconscious roves around the corners
Of the black-hole like cave
There is yet a thought, an impulse
Am I still living?
Or am I matter vaporized?
I exist in the crevices of thoughts
I long for a sign, a tangible feel of life and the living
I try to breathe
But I am all air
Nothing exists as me or within me
Nothing exists outside me, too
I am an abyss of thoughts and memories
I travel down a tunnel
There is a flicker of light at the end
I float towards it like wind
Maybe it will revive my being, my substance
Maybe I will regain my former form
But the passage is endless
I can’t reach the end
Suddenly, the darkness turns into a swirling vortex
I am sucked in deeper and deeper
And I am lost forever

Wednesday, July 13, 2011


I was sitting by the river, listening to the rapids cascade over boulders and rocks.
A gentle breeze rustled the nearby shrubs and I was in another world.
The setting sun cast a fiery golden glow over the horizon which the water reflected.
I picked up a handful of sand from the river bank and grasped it tightly.
It slipped through my fingers until there was no more left in my fist.
I grabbed another fistful, this time letting the inside of my hand cradle it loosely. It held on.
Maybe this is an apt metaphor for what often happens in our life with loved ones.
Be too possessive, rave and rant for an ounce of their affection and tighten your grip on them till they have no breathing space and they elude you. There is no more love in the relationship. It becomes a source of heartache to both parties.
But give them their own space. Love them but don’t impinge on their freedom. Care for them but don’t suffocate them and you have a wonderful relationship that works both ways.
It took me a long time to realize this. Of course, it involves a certain amount of sacrifice especially if the other person concerned is someone you love or care for deeply but then, it is worth it.
God has set an example. He knocks at the door of our hearts but never forces his way in. That is love.
Selfless love that gives the other the freedom of choice.

Friday, July 8, 2011


I have raved and ranted. I have shed copious tears about what I feel has been unfairly offered to or deprived off me by life. I have gone into depressive mode. I have even been analyzing the prospect of going incommunicado with a few people in my life who have hurt me or at least whom I blame for hurting me. I have been bitter and cynical and sarcastic with my loved ones.
But at the end, I realized it does not pay. It really does not. To sit on your high moral stool and pass judgments and condemn and spit fire and venom or scheming insidiously to hurt those who have betrayed your trust.
There is a book called the Bible. It was written over a period of 1,500 years by at least forty authors including kings, scholars, philosophers, fishermen, poets, statesmen, historians and doctors.
And reading its soothing messages, hearing the Spirit of God speak to me through it, I knew that when we feel weak, it can be a sign of blessings to come.
Jesus Christ, the Man-God sacrificed everything including his life for me on the Cross just so that I could receive God’s grace, forgiveness and be free of my bondages.
People equate living a Christian life with bondage and slavery because they say there are “too many rules”.
But then, there are rules that bind and rules that free.
If you watch a soccer match and there are no rules, no referee, and no markings for the boundaries of the pitch, rest assured chaos will prevail.
But put everything, the correct things in place and soon you have an enjoyable match.
Christianity is something like that. It is not a religion. It is living for God, the only true, omnipresent and omnipotent Creator. And there is always something new to discover each day.
Sometimes, things happen in life which we least expect and we may sooner be in the middle of an island but trusting in God helps us remain calm because he gifts us with precious inner peace.
Even when we are in a dilemma, submitting our problem to him will ultimately take us on the right course.
I have experienced this. I am schizophrenic; I am have been on medication for the last 12 years; my mom and elder brother suffer from the same debilitating disease; my dad confessed to me that he once attempted suicide because of all the domestic pressure (fortunately, he was unsuccessful); I still get attacks; And for the past few months I have been in moral and spiritual crisis with problems at work to boot.
It was no smooth sailing. But just tonight, as I was going through gospel literature, God opened my eyes. And said: “Hey, I am with you and things are not that bad!”
Right, I have a great, cozy job, I have great friends, I have a wonderful, supportive family, I have my own strengths and talents, I have a place of my own, I am independent, I have people who care for me………
So, what was I being so morose and depressed about?
People in life don’t have it easy and for me God has almost presented blessings to me on a platter.
I resolve to rectify my attitude. I resolve to be happy. I resolve to be grateful for every little thing.
Of course, I will not always be bubbling over with joy but then, I will try to remember my Saviour in times of dire need and even in moments of overwhelming prosperity and happiness
I will try to keep the faith. Touchwood.

Saturday, July 2, 2011


Tenderly lovely like a rosebud, her smile was like the blossoms opening up to receive the first rays of sunlight. She had a pixie charm; curly locks, alabaster skin, rosy lips and wide, innocent eyes which could transform from limpid pools of deep pathos to twinkling stars of mischief. Everyone knew she was a girl who had yet to see and experience the world and its wonders and disappointments.
Then the retrogression started once she attained her twenties.
The disillusionments of life overcame her. Her parents divorced when she passed out from college, her brother was struck with a terminal disease and she was soon on the lookout for a job to sustain her broken family.
And then the final blow came in the form of a man whom she fell in love with. He bestowed kisses upon her, whispered sweet nothings into her ears and finally managed to steal her innocence.
Then he left her never to return. The lovely appearance faded slowly. There was no rosiness or charm in her looks anymore. There was no longer any coquetry and mischief in her behavior. She withdrew and withdrew into a shell. She just existed. The outer now hag-like form was all that remained of her.
People say sometimes you can spot her on lonely evenings taking a solitary walk in the forest hiding her face with a shawl and often gazing at the far away horizon or the dawning stars and moon.
I have never seen her but this is a story of the end of innocence, love and goodness in the world that I often rue over.