LOVING AGAIN

Sometimes you find things where they are least expected.

Like tragedies, miracles, and opportunities. Like hope, friendship, happiness and ……love. Who would have thought…? How could I have imagined….? Is this just an escapist illusion? Or maybe a sweet delusion?

Can I call it love? I can never brush it off as just a casual encounter, a brief escapade…..those days and nights filled with ordinary yet special moments, those fresh effusive feelings, the gentle jabbing and natural bubbliness, secret shared jokes and chuckles, shy downcast-eye smiles, the trace of a slight dimple….there was no staring at the moon, no extravagant promises made for the future, not a word of commitment, yet the moment was there…..captured against the expanse and reality of time and the brisk movement of daily life- like a master piece carved in exquisite gem, like the breathing, living words of soulful poetry, as if God was watching us at that precise moment through a telescope and zooming in on us…..was that love?

I have been through my share of heart ache but the charm of falling in love again, risking your sentiments, laying your heart bare for someone to write upon, making yourself vulnerable to someone you want to share everything with…..cannot be underestimated. Love does that, you see….the ticking and working, the intricacies and subtleties of human hearts can hardly be fathomed…No scientist or thinker has managed to do that…apart from churning out physiological, psychological and philosophical concepts or so I think.

We were not meant to be but we were. It was like fatal fatalism. Our paths were star-crossed but we were together still. One day we would part, both of us knew that, but it did not matter. What mattered was that we had reached out to each other, gone beyond the cursory. It was a beautiful feeling. Our hearts, nature, and words warmed us to each other, touched our souls. It was like watching a ballet….grace and delicacy on tip-toes, like sighting a rainbow after a thunder storm- the view had never been clearer.

I wonder how it happened. I never suspected it. And I never thought myself capable of that….but it happened. It just happened. And there I was, holding onto the moment….living it, treasuring it because it was fleeting…it would pass away. There was no room for permanence but at least it was there for sometime. And you always cherish and value something or someone more if it lasts less.

And now here I am, once again alone, but there is no bitterness or sorrow in me…I loved and I lost but not in the usual sense of the word. There was no pact between us, no agreement, no promises or compromises….it happened, was lovely and enriching while it lasted and ended not in tears or rancor but with a tender, soft understanding and acceptance of fate which could not be altered.

And I am ready to love again.