MY INNER BATTLES

There is so much hidden inside me that I cannot show. I go through different phases and for each phase I have a different face.

I can't understand myself so I can't really expect other people to understand me. And no, no romanticizing out here. It is not like those scary movies or books where you have a split or multiple personality disorder and go around making life miserable for people or become a psychopathic killer. It is more about the inner conflict...the battle within.

You know you are not doing the right thing yet you keep on doing it. You know you are doing the right thing yet your whole being rebels against it. You want to escape from reality. You are a tortured soul. You want to be stranded on an island. And the next moment a flicker of hope arises. You perceive it with some joy, some anticipation but the moment passes and you are again left with the crumbling remains of your unfulfilled dreams.

I may sound like a depressed maniac but there is this thing within me... I want to pour it all out in writing but I can only manage to do it in some part...I want to vent it all out... I want to purify my soul, my heart... I don't want to keep anything within...I want to start on a clean slate...But I know it doesn't work that way.

The past haunts me, the present troubles me and the future beckons me with some promise but are these promises really meant to be fulfilled in my life? I have nothing to complain about, no one to hate or keep a grudge against....I don't know if that is happiness but I am longing for escape...Not escape as in death... I want to be free of myself and my complications...I know I am creating them. But I guess every one of us is complex... there is hardly a simple human being in the true sense of the word.
Folks, please don't misunderstand me. I am a very normal and a very ordinary person...the only thing is that my inner battles which I experience every day of my life makes me sound a bit too .....whatever that maybe. Don't you feel the same sometimes??