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Saturday, July 3, 2010


I ask myself for the umpteenth time…why is sadness engrained in me? I would like to believe I am a happy person because I am keenly aware that I am lucky to be what I am and lucky to have what I have….I am not an abandoned orphan nor am I friendless. I have been lucky to get an education and I am not among the starving millions of unfortunate people around the world dying from bodily hunger, diseases or unsatisfied needs…I KNOW I am lucky, even blessed. Then why? I don’t want to place myself on a pedestal or set off on an ego ride but I can’t seem to understand myself. I am an enigma to myself. The more I try to explore the hidden recesses of my mind, the unexplored aspects of my personality, the more I ponder over myself, my character and nature, even obsessively, I can’t seem to figure myself out. At times I feel I know myself so well and almost feel smug about it but during moments I experience such as this, flashes in the timeline, I realize the hollowness of my contentment with the self-knowledge I feel I have.

Then what is my problem? What disturbs me? I don’t know….sadness, melancholy….what is it? Everything I see, I think of, remember, makes me SAD….not a heart-wrenching pain, not grief which produces wails and anguish, not unbearable torture…..but a GENTLE pain, a wistfulness, a yearning, a longing……nostalgia??? Even beauty produces pain in me. Am I abnormal? Don’t I have the capacity to be happy and enjoy life? But I haven’t forgotten to smile, laugh, crack jokes…I have kept my sense of humour more or less intact, then what is wrong here?
Or is something at all wrong? Hmmm….soul-searching.

Something as mundane as sighting a wild flower I used to pluck with friends during idyllic childhood days, or seeing an old beaten track while on a bus-ride, or smelling damp earth on a rainy afternoon or the whiff of pine wood brought by a passing breeze produces a thousand and one feelings in me….myriad, mixed emotions, and sadness is one of them.
Sometimes I feel scared….I ask myself if I am I addicted to negativism. But is this negativism? Black- holed depression? Psychosis? But this emotion is almost pleasurable though it is sad…it is like looking at the beautiful starlit night and longing to fly towards its vast expanse to explore its mysterious depths…a desire, a longing, a yearning for fulfillment…..

Do I sound crazy, folks?? ( i don't blame you if you think I do).

1 comment:

  1. Trust me you dont ,,i just went over your articles and i could connect with most of them ,,i also tend to have that tendency,,to live in blissfulness with the negativity and suffering ,,i get so used to it that i would not want to change for the better because there is always the bitter sweet feeling which has its own different high